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Art by Natsuhime

A true story on WHAT GRUDGES CAN DO

A story worth reading and taken as example in life.... don't lose the

moments in life just becoz of a quarrel...

This is long but worth reading and is a true story ... you may have received it...but it is worth to be reminded of it again.

WHAT GRUDGES CAN DO....

====================

Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the

idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and

spend her remaining years with us. Hubby's father passed

away while he was still very young.

Mother endured much hardship

and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him

through to a university degree. You could say that she

suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of

a woman to bring hubby to where he is today.

I immediately agreed and

started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing

the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant greenery.

Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me

up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to

put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother."

Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to test on his chest

and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment

put the tiny me into his pockets.

Whenever we have an argument

and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin

me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for

mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.

Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle

with her.

For example; I am so used to

buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not

stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you

young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for?

You also can't eat flowers!" I smiled and said:

"Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also

become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and

hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit;

slowly you will get use to it."

Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter,

whenever came home with flowers, she would ask me how much

it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and

express displeasure.

Sometimes, when I come home

with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every

item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she

would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched

my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell

her the full price of everything would solve it."

There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.

Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare

the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house

cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial

expression is always like the dark clouds before a

thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would

use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her

silent protest.

As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am

exhausted from along day of dancing around, I do not wish to

give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the

comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the

protest mother makes.

From time to time, mother

would help out with some housework, but soon her help

created additional work for me. For example: she would keep

all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell

them later on, and resulted in our house being filled with

all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing

detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to

hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.

One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the

dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and

cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a

difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me

for that entire night.

I pretended to be a spoilt

child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me.... I

got mad and asked him:

"What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and

said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We

couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean

it is, right?" After that incident, for a long period

of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that

there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During

that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to

who to please.

In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast,

mother took on the "all important" task of

preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast

table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his

breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having

failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the

embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my

own breakfast on my way to work.

That night, while in bed,

hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it

because you think that mum's cooking is not clean

that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then

turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling

of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed:

"LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?"

I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast

table.

The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother

and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything

inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress

the urge to throw up but I could not. I threw down the bowl,

rushed into the washroom, and vomited everything out.

Just as I was catching my

breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her

dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring

at me with fire burning in his eyes.. I opened my mouth but

no words came out of it, I really did not mean it.

We had our very first big

fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and

slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final

stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For

three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone

call.

I was so furious, since

mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up

with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I

keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not

appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at

home, I was at then low point in my life.

Finally, a colleague said:

"LD, you look terrible; you should go and see a

doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant.

Now it became clear to me

why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness

floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't

hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought

of the possibility of this being the reason that day?

At the hospital entrance, I

saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days,

but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but

one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist

and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally

found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he

has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through

my heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail

a cab.

At that moment, I have such

a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling,

I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and

spin me around in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't

happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling

down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test

of one fight?

Back home, I lay on the bed

thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes.

I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That night, sound

of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights

and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was

removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored

me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the

house.

Maybe he really intends to

leave me for good.. What a rational man, so clear-cut in

love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears

starting streaming down again. The next day, I did not go to

work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with

hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a

weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a

traffic accident and is now in the hospital."

I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the

time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby

did not look at me, his face was expressionless. I looked at

mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't

control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen?

Throughout the funeral,

hubby did not say a single word to me, with only the

occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out

brief facts about the accident from other people. That day,

after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the

bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house

back in the countryside.

As hubby ran after her, she

tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a

public bus came and hit her... I finally understood how much

hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if

we had not quarreled, if....In his heart, I am indirectly

the killer of his mother..

Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every

night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried

under the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe. I

wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have

our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his

eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just

fell back in.

I had rather he hit me real

hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of

these events happening had been my fault at all. Many days

of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by,

hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us

continues, we were living together like strangers who

don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his

heart.

One day, I passed by a

western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw

hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very

lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it

meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered

the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard

at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him,

and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me,

looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched

out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me,

challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating,

one by one as if at the brink of death.

I eventually backed down, if

I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with

the baby inside me.. That night, he did not come home; he

had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me:

Following mother's death so did our love for each

other...

He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I

returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had

been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff. I

no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain

everything to him vanished.

I lived alone; I go for my

medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again

every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through

the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me

to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not..

I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of

repaying mother for causing her death.

One day, I came home and I

saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was

filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was

this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without

even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone,

I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I

looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a

while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in

his eyes, just like mine.

As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You

cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly,

but I refused to let tears come out from there.

After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at

my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table

and pulled the paper towards me. Without even looking at

what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to

him. "LD, are you pregnant?" Since mother's

accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not

control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I

said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did

not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other.

Hubby slowly moved over me,

his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so

far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach

them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated

"sorry" to me. I had originally thought that I

would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western

restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his

eyes, I will never forget, ever.

We have drawn such deep

scars in each other's heart. For me, it's

unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I had been

waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized

now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not

repeated.

Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would

bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards

him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't

take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him..

From the moment I signed on

that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my

heart. Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom,

but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room.

He had no choice but to

sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can

hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be

his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake

illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with

him, he would then grab me and laugh.

He has forgotten that last

time I cared for him and am concerned because there was

love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby's

groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously

ignored him.

Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby,

infant products, children products and books that kids like

to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it

is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me,

but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice

but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing

away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to

web surfing but none of that matters to me anymore.

It was sometime towards the

end of spring in the following year, one late night, I

screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came

rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep,

and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran

down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly

and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the

journey to the hospital.

Once we reached the

hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite.

Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought

crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as

much as he did?

He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in;

his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my

contraction pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby

looked at our son and me, eyes tear with joy and he kept

smiling. I reached out and touched his hand.

Hubby looked at me, smiling

and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for

him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired

eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any

tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper

pain cutting through my body at that moment.

Doctor said that by the time

hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in

terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last

this long. I asked the doctor when he first discovered he

had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me

saying: "Prepare for his funeral."

I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I

went into his room and checked his computer, and a

suffocating pain hits me.

Hubby's cancer was

discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had

thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand

words he wrote for our son: "Son, just for you, I

have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I

fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life,

you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if

only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice

would it be. But daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy

has written inside here all the possible difficulties and

problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you

meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's

suggestion....

Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I

have accompanied you through life journey. To be honest,

daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered,

she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves

me most..."

From play school to primary

school, to secondary, university, to work and even in

dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was

written there.

Hubby has also written a letter for me:

"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness,

forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for

not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in

a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby...My dear,

if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would

smile, thank you for loving me...These presents, I'm

afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you

help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on

what to give when are all written on the packaging..."

Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I

brought our son over and place him beside him. I said:

"Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember

being in the warmth of your arms..." He struggled to

open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his

arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press

the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang

through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face....

A fatal misunderstanding and

the person who loves me the most in this world is gone

forever..."Cruel misunderstandings one after another

disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our

originals intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and

peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went

terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed

at a price, every thing became too late.".........

This is a true story...

LEARNING POINT - DO NOT EVER HOLD ON TO OFFENCES!!!

I am totally speechless, this story brought tears to my

eyes as I read through each line eager to know what would

happen next. It truly showed the devastating power of

grudges and anger!

Simple humility and

communication would have resolved most of the problems in

that story, as well as patience....

Communication with your loved ones is THE key.

I was diagnosed with a severe mental disease about a year ago. My boyfriend has put up with all of my paranoia, anger and odd things that I do. When i told him he should leave me because it wasn't fair to him, he said, "If i can't take you at your worst then i don't deserve you at your best." His unconditional love GMH.

Labels: GivesMeHope, GMP